Life is messy

I decided today that the times that I am the happiest are when I accept that my life is one big crazy mess and I don't stress about it. I acknowledge that not everything is going to go the way I want, that I don't have control over everything, and that I can handle the little glitches along the way and then I relax. For instance, when you come back from Christmas thinking everything is great and you walk into your new apartment and walk onto a soaking wet carpet. I admit, it took me a little time to laugh about it, and at first I was a little concerned, but what can you do?

I admit that sometimes I like it when things are a bit crazy, because then it prevents me from over analyzing things. I am too busy thinking about my boy and my brother accidentally turning on the stove and melting a plastic sack and a nylon wrist strap. Or helping my mom and cousin sew an entire queen size quilt top in one evening. It is nice to have these distractions to keep me from stewing about my life and how I wish it could be.

So for now, I am happy with my crazy busy life. I know that I can't control everything, and I am ok with that. I am trying not to stress about the little inconsequential things that come up, and just be happy that I am doing ok. Besides, like my dad says, "I like trouble." I like mess. Just look at my house!

Wishing you a drama free Christmas

Ahhhh the holidays....full of fun, tradition, food, laughter and drama. Yes, that is right. Even though no one ever admits that drama is a major portion of the holiday season, I am here to tell you that they are wrong! What drama am I talking about, you ask? Let me count the ways!

1. Gift giving drama: who do I get presents for, what do I get them, what if I get them something and they don't get me anything? How much will I spend, where will I get it, will they like it, and on and on and on. What about those unexpected gift givers that show up Christmas Eve and hand you a gift and you stand there like an idiot with empty hands and a goofy smile on your face? What do you do then? Drama my friend. Drama.

2. Scheduling drama: where will we spend Christmas Eve, where will we spend Christmas day, what parties will we attend, what will we do for Christmas, who will be there, who can't be there, how will we get there? Someone is going to be upset that someone else is not coming. You cannot please everyone, henceforth, drama.

3. Miscellaneous drama: Who will cook, what are we eating, when are we eating, where are we eating, who will clean up afterward? What is the weather going to be like when we have to drive somewhere? Where is the tag to this gift? Who does it go to? What did we forget to wrap? What did we forget to bring? Sounding familiar? Drama!

Beyond that, if you are extra special, you get the really dramatic stuff. This sister doesn't want to attend Christmas because that other sister will be there. This child is not getting along with that parent, so they will only come get their gifts when the parent is gone. This married couple wants to spend 80% of their time with the fun side of the family, and 20% of their time with the boring side of the family, and the boring family is upset that they don't get more time and probably also upset that they are thought of as boring.

It just makes you smile, doesn't it? Either way, if this sounds like your family or not, you are probably smiling about it. If you are telling yourself that you are lucky that your family doesn't do that sort of thing when the holidays come around, and smiling because you think it will always be that way, don't worry, it won't. If you are smiling because it sounds all too familiar and you think to yourself that those descriptions sound exactly like your crazy family, you should know that they probably think of your family drama as a result of your behavior. But either way you're smiling, right?

For the record, this holiday was a little lower on the drama scale for me. But that was probably because the dramatic ones did not come, and the non dramatic ones did not care that the others didn't come. So I say, embrace the drama, embrace the craziness, put a big goofy smile on your face and just let it ride! And tell your friends "Merry Christmas and a drama free New Year!"

Some days are crazier than others

So I have had a migraine all day, and it just so happens that I started up the hiring process again, which means I am juggling calls for "Randy" and other calls for "Kristi" between two different desks. I feel like I just can't get ahead some days. I fight and fight and fight, and there is still stuff that I am leaving undone, both in my professional and personal lives. I dream of a day that I really truly have finished everything that needs to be done, and I can sit and just twiddle my thumbs with absolutely nothing left. Even when I do have a moment to myself I realize that I have been putting off reading that series of books that everyone is giving me crap about (I hear you, ya Twilight Nazis!) or that I have seriously neglected my crochet pile (and the thirty half done projects that I have there) or that there is someone that I have been meaning to call for the last month or so (my most sincere apologies, Christine!) and then it hits me that I didn't actually have a moment to myself, I just had a lapse in judgment that I might be done with something.

I have no idea how they do it, but some people are able to gracefully handle a five bedroom home, four kids, a full time job, and a budding career as a writer all while sipping a cup of tea with their neighbor and maintaining their mother of the year status. I feel like I can barely take care of myself, and everything else gets neglected, including my dishes, laundry and my inbox at work. Did I sleep through the time management course in college? Did they actually teach that, or was I born without that gene? What I really want to ask is, who can I blame for my time management deficiencies? I am sure my mother tried to instruct me in these things, just as she attempted to teach me to cook and iron and shop with coupons. However, as I am an utter failure in these other aspects of life as well (which you would know if you ever tried one of my bread making disasters) I have determined that there are just some things that I am not meant to do. Still, I cannot help but feel a sense of disappointment that I can't be that perfect all accomplishing woman that I would like to be. I wonder if every other normal woman out there feels the same way as me, and wonders if there will ever be a day when the house is clean and things at work are under control and it is not crazy town all day long.

So until I am able to reach this dream state of being, I suppose I will continue to run around from one place to the next and hope that eventually I will get on top of the things that I have been neglecting, and feel more in control of my crazy life. Someday...

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

So, Kentucky boy is going back home for a few days, starting tomorrow. A few weeks ago when he told me that he was going, I thought that this would be great because he would be able to see his family, and I could get some things done that I had been putting off. While I am happy that he is so excited to go, I feel heavy with the realization that he won't be here with me. I am stunned that I have become so attached to him in such a short amount of time. Five months as of yesterday in fact, and I am surprised that I depend on him as much as I do. Yesterday, I was terrified to drive in the snow, and he took me to work and picked me up after it was over. It was so sweet of him, I tried to protest, telling him that although nervous, I could do it, but he just takes care of me.

He is only going to be gone for five days. That is it, not even over Christmas, but I just don't want him to leave right now. Things have been so incredibly good lately and he has been so wonderful that I question how I will manage without him.

Sometimes I am the strong and independent type. Sometimes I feel like I don't need anyone around, and I can do it by myself. But then I get over myself and realize that I don't want to have to be that person. I like depending upon someone, I like supporting someone and having them support me right back. For all my criticisms of marriage, it certainly fulfills that need to have someone by your side, someone that is always concerned about you, and wants the best for you, and loves you. My family does that to a point, but I think that marriage is different than the support your family can provide because your spouses life is inextricably entwined with yours. How amazing to have two lives blend together to make one life.

Right now I feel like the boy and I have started that process of entangling our lives. It becomes more complicated when you have to figure another person into your life, but it is something that I am learning to do, bit by bit. I want to go with him to run stupid errands, I want to have him there when I am working on the computer at home, or have him help me hang up curtains. I want to be part of his life and have him be part of mine. I don't want him to go.

As much as I will miss him, I know that he will return after five long days, and things will be fine. My life will not fall apart without him. His will not fall apart without me.

Now if I could only guarantee that Kentucky girl will not get to him...

Today this song fits...

As I rest against this cold hard wall,
oh will you pass me by?
Will you criticize me as I sit and cry?
I had fought so hard and thought
that all my battles had been won
Only to find the war had just begun

Chorus:
Is He not strong enough?
Is He not pure enough?
To break me, pour me out and start again.
Is He not brave enough?
To take one chance on me
Please can I have one chance to start again

Will my weakness for a hour
make me suffer for a lifetime?
Is there any way to be made whole again
If I be renewed and find forgiveness
by the strength I've never had
Will my scars forever ruin all God's plans?

Chorus:
Is He not strong enough?
Is He not pure enough?
To break me, pour me out and start again?
Is He not brave enough?
To take one chance on me
Please can I have one chance to start again

He took my life into His hands
And turned it all around
In my most desperate circumstance,
is there I'm finally found
That You are strong enough
That You are pure enough
To break me, pour me out and start again
That You are brave enough
To take one chance on me,
Oh thank You for my chance to start again

Stacie Orrico ~ Strong Enough

Big Fights

I guess I never realized before that sometimes fights are necessary. Big fat ugly fights sometimes create connection and understanding that was not there before. We can only go part way on minor confrontations because although they are clean and neat where fights are not, they only allow us to show a small portion of ourselves. Fights can allow us to see others for who they really are and also to see ourselves and all of our issues and problems in a clearer light.

I sometimes forget that you can fight with someone because you love them and they are worth fighting with. In so many of my past relationships, I have chosen the easy way out, when things get tough, I take off. But when I really care about someone, I will fight. I will call them out on the carpet and tell them why I am mad and what they have done (or not done). I will rant and rave and cry, all the while attempting to express these emotions that seem to be bursting from me. I don't carefully choose my words and tip toe around issues. I get messy and it gets ugly and by hashing it out that way, we actually can come to a resolution and things become crystal clear. Not that it is that easy all the time. Sometimes it takes a while, sometimes it takes weeks or months. But in the end, I always know that whatever holds us together will last through the fight, and eventually that bond will heal anything. If I didn't care about them, I wouldn't fight with them. If I didn't love them, I would just leave it.

Snoring, tires and other things that make me cry

Life has been hectic this past week. Crazy hectic. I moved into a different apartment last weekend with the help of my family and a few close friends. It was quite a process, including removing the banister in my new apartment so that my queen size bed could fit up the stairs. I just finished cleaning my old apartment and will be turning in my keys to it today. Because of all the stress and craziness that accompanies a change such as this, I have been a little overemotional. Ok, crazy emotional. Or maybe just plain crazy. Who knows!

Snoring. I have a snoring problem. I don't snore, but my new next door neighbor does. Quite loudly. The first night I spent in my apartment I went to bed at about 11:00pm, and as soon as I settled down into bed and everything was quiet, I heard the snoring. I mean sawing logs, loud as can be snoring, through the wall of my apartment. This new apartment that I was so excited to move into, and the first night I discover such a thing. It was funny at first, but when I had a hard time sleeping all night long and then was rudely awakened by his alarm clock at 4:30 in the morning, I was upset. All of my idealism could not make up for the thin walls and disturbed sleep. I had been trying to keep up a positive front and ignore the fact that the bathroom floor is falling apart, and there is an iron burn on the floor of my bedroom and holes in the hollow core doors. I had been trying to look past all these little inconsequential things so that I could feel like I made a good decision and that I was going to be happy there. And the snoring just threw me for a loop. I broke down crying and admitted to myself that I may have been a bit hasty in my decision to move because I was so desperate to get out of the place I was in. I admitted that what I really want is an actual house of my own, where I can decorate without feeling like I will get in trouble, where i can run on my treadmill without wondering if someone is going to come knocking on my door asking me to stop. I want my own walls. Walls that I don't have to share with anyone. So anyways that made me cry because I realized that I wasn't getting what I wanted, I was just getting an imitation of what I wanted and I had convinced myself that it would do.

Tires. Now really, tires don't make me cry on their own. I am not that crazy. But in this instance, it was more about what the tires represent for me. Right now, my old tires are not safe to drive on the interstate. So new tires represent freedom and safety. But tires are expensive, so they also represent money. Money that I don't have. So when my dad called me up the other day and told me he is ordering a brand new set of studded snow tires for me plus wheels, I was floored. On the one hand, this is a very generous and amazing thing that he is doing for me and I should be grateful, right? On the other hand, I feel horrible, and I don't want to let him do this because I am an adult and should not need my dad to rescue me and pay my bills.

Such is the randomness of life, right? Fiercely independent yet emotionally fragile at the same time. Always wanting what we don't have. Life is a struggle, a constant battle to remain upright and function despite the obstacles that we are thrown. Sometimes the solutions are not what we want or maybe not ideal, but they work as solutions anyways. So I will run a fan every night to block out the snoring sounds, and I will make payments to my father every month for two years. Such is life.

Relationship Roles

As I sit here and contemplate the events of the past few days, I keep coming back to the concept of roles. Every participant in a relationship has a part to play, a role they fulfill. I know, it is a cynical viewpoint to compare relationships to acting, but I think it is more true than we admit. Whether or not we are actually "acting" is not what I am talking about. Some people are fake in their behavior, some people are honest. That is not the point. The point is, people bring out traits and behaviors in us and we often take on a role in a relationship as a reaction to the other person. When I am with my dad, I take on the role of student because he has this way of "teaching" life lessons to me, even ones that I already know or have experienced. I don't mind it because I don't feel he is talking down to me or berating me. When I am with my high school friends, I take on the role of successful and happy to prove it to them as well as myself because of my insecurities. When I am talking to Portland friends, I act confident and sassy, even bordering on outrageous. When I am with the boy I am fragile and emotional.

Some of these roles are obvious, and the reasons they come out are obvious. Some are a little more difficult to interpret. I have no idea why with one person I am fragile and with another I am confident and strong. Is it a reflection of what the other person is? Am I fragile because Scott is strong? Or does it have more to do with their reactions to the behavior? Am I confident and sassy because I like the reaction I get from Adam? Am I afraid that the same behavior would get a negative reaction from Scott? Or is it more situational? Do I feel weak because I am not in control of the situation and I don't determine the direction of the relationship?

The other option is to determine what your current role in the relationship is and then try to change it to what you want to be. I don't like being fragile and damaged. I want to be quietly strong and supportive. That is the decision I made last night, and I hope that my behavior toward him backed that up. I told him what I wanted, and then I supported him when he told me what he wanted. It is not perfect by any means, but it is better, and I don't feel like the emotional wreck I have been for the past few weeks anymore. Hopefully I can maintain that role and keep building this relationship up instead of tearing myself down...

Struggles

The plan is to move this Saturday. I am really excited about this new apartment because it has a washer and dryer, dishwasher, and garage, all of which I don't have right now. So many people have been so good to me about this move, providing packing materials, helping me pack, clean and move all my stuff, and I am so grateful for all their assistance. I am feeling stressed about it, but it is "manageable" as Scott would say.

My car is giving me problems right now, and I have been told that I am not to drive on the interstate until I get new tires. I hate putting money into my car when I am still making payments on it, but I guess that I don't have much of a choice at this point.

I am also getting stressed about the changes at work. My company is doing an internal restructure that is all based around some offhanded comment I made one day. It is a little uncertain what I will be doing in two months when the morphing of jobs is completed, but I hope that it will contain the things that I like to do. We are still short staffed, and I am still in the hiring process, but hopefully this time it will be a little bit easier on everyone involved.

My family is actually very low on the stress scale right now but I am sure that will change when Christmas comes around, but for now they are all keeping quietly to themselves and the drama is at a low level.

My relationship is actually one of things that is stressing me out the most right now, for many reasons, but mostly because I hate not knowing what direction we are going. Kali asked me what I would say if he proposed today, and I honestly don't know the answer to that. In previous relationships, I always knew if I would marry someone. I don't know if that was just the immature confidence of youth, or if I just have more doubts about marriage in general now, but I have such insecurity in these big decisions now.

The other thing I am struggling with right now is my faith and it's application to my life. I just feel that I don't understand things like I should. I go to church and everyone else participates and answers questions, and I feel like I have nothing to contribute because I know so little about it. Being born in this religion, I really should know more about it than I do, and I am ashamed at the low level of my gospel knowledge.

Giving thanks

So when I was finalizing my Thanksgiving plans with my mother last night on the phone, she told me that my uncle is having a big thanksgiving dinner at his house with all of my extended family on my mothers side. I was expecting to have a nice quiet thanksgiving dinner with just my parents and siblings at their house. My fathers side of the family is in the midst of a divorce for one of my cousins and so that dinner will be a bit disjointed, so we figured it was just better to stay at home this year.


I have to say I am a bit disappointed that we don't get to have dinner at the parents house. I was looking forward to doing some cooking with my mother and sisters and talking and laughing and then going to a movie afterward. Just a nice, relaxing day hanging out with my siblings and chatting with my parents.


I know that if we go to my uncles house it is going to be complete madness, children running amok, loud voices of my aunts and uncles, political discussions and the game going in the background. Inevitably, someone will drop a plate of food that will splatter gravy on my pants, a juice cup will be knocked over covering the white table cloth and my shirt with a red stain, and a forkful of pie will land on my shoe. I will emerge from the family gathering covered in food that doesn't belong to me and irritated beyond belief and ready to kick the next smiling aunt I see with a turkey sweater and a bowl of jello salad in her hands. This has the potential to be a complete disaster.


On the other hand, perhaps this is just the opportunity that I need to finally free myself from the dreaded curse of the family get together, and show that I am not afraid to attend any family function. I will slide past my nosy aunts asking if I am seeing anyone with a beaming smile and a compliment on their lovely turkey sweater. I will dodge my loud mouthed uncles with a chortle and ask if the wallet I saw in the other room might belong to them. I will step over screaming babies and sneak past grubby fingered kids telling them that grandpa has candy in his pockets that they need to find. I will dodge pregnant cousins with the offer of finding that missing piece of pie they were craving in the kitchen. I will emerge, victorious, spoon in hand, with the last of the cheesecake and know that I have won, at last.

To pack or not to pack...

So the packing has commenced, as I will be moving in just over a week, and needless to say my stress level has increased substantially with that deadline looming. My family has generously offered to come up and help me move, and while I am grateful for the assistance, I am also hesitant about what will surely be their forthcoming opinions.

Bring on the judgements. My mother will comment about my eleven boxes of books, (why don't you just go to the library? No one needs this many books!) my father will comment about my totes of clothing, (if you did your laundry more often you wouldn't need this many clothes, right?) my brother will complain about my over-sized furniture, (this china hutch is huge! are you trying to kill me?) and one of my sisters will inevitably say something about my having a two bedroom apartment of junk to myself. I am truly considering stashing a few things before the family shows up to help me move, because I am that desperate to avoid the judgmental comments. It is like those perfect women that have to clean their house before the maid shows up because they don't want the maid to think they are dirty.

Sounds pretty insecure, right? I guess it is. See the thing is, I like my stuff. I like having tons of clothes and shoes, I like having lots of books and movies, and granted sometimes I feel like I have too much stuff, but that just gives me an excuse to clean and organize every now and then.

So here we go. Hopefully I can handle this. I guess we shall see...

My unbirthday

Last night my youngest sister came to town and gave me my birthday present. (My birthday was in August, but we weren't able to coordinate a time to go shopping until now.) She took me to get my nails done, she took me out to dinner at Johnny Carinos and then took me to Sportsmans Warehouse to buy me a sleeping bag. I teased her about being independently wealthy, since she can afford to spend lavish amounts on anything she wants now that she has her settlement money. It was actually a lot more fun than I expected it to be. I was really glad that I could have a good time with her without the background tension about the family problems. My nails are pink sparkly tipped and outrageously long, and my sleeping bag is dark blue with a blue checkered flannel interior.

Tonight my parents are coming to stay with me, and I am trying really hard not to let them stress me out. They are bringing me some software I need, a head-board and foot-board for my bed and a tv that I bought from my older sister. They are taking home a desk and a birdcage, so I guess the trade off is pretty well in my favor. My dad and I will both be attending our class on Saturday up in Rexburg and I am pretty excited about that.

This is what I want

Somebody Knows You Now
Brad Paisley

You used to say you wanted someone
to know you inside out
And as I look back on things
well congratulations baby
Somebody knows you now
All of this time you told me you wished
that you could figure yourself out
You say you're still a mystery
but no not really not to me
Yeah somebody knows you now
I got a hundred bucks that says
right now your hair's up in a clip
Your socks don't quite match
and you're bitin' your lip
I can finish your thoughts
or pick the right restaurants
Even order for you 'fore you sit down
Yeah somebody knows you now
So no matter where you life's path leads
Remember me somehow
And feel a little warm inside
knowin' that somewhere tonight
Somebody knows you now
Well baby all your mystery
Like you and me is history
'Cause somebody knows you now

Visit from the parents

My mother called last night to let me know that she and my father would be coming up on Friday night to stay with me so that dad and I can attend a class in Rexburg on Saturday. I am quite apprehensive about this little sleepover for several reasons, but most of all because I know what my mother will say. You see, her opinion of how successful my life is usually revolves around three main things; job, boyfriend, and house. The job is fine, she doesn't know exactly what I do everyday but she knows I get a steady paycheck, so she will be fine with that. The boyfriend is good, she really likes Scott because she thinks he must be brilliant since he has a degree in economics. But the house, well that is a different matter. She will tell me that my apartment is a disaster area, that I have way too much stuff for way to small a space. She will say that it is a shame I can't find an apartment in a nicer area of town, something larger, with a garage and a washer and dryer. She will shake her head at my larger than life treadmill in the middle of my living room and tell me that it is a shame I have to have trip over it everyday, and then, inevitably, she will trip over it. She will look at the carpet and ask if I own a vacuum, to which I will reply, yes and I just vacuumed today, and she will shake her head. Then she will tell me that it is a shame that I am wasting my money on rent when I could be building equity in a home, and I will reply yet again that I can't afford a house by myself when I work off commission. To which, she will re-evaluate her prior decision of the job and boyfriend being ok and she will ask me why I don't get a better job and when I expect that boy to marry me. *laugh* And I will wonder why I wasn't prepared for her little criticisms about every aspect of my life with some witty remark, and then I will realize that she is just vocalizing the thoughts that swirl around in my head and constantly pick at my self esteem. I don't think I have a conscience, but I do have my mother's voice in my head that does mostly the same thing. And I will go from being completely ok with my life to feeling like I let everyone down and I have so many things to fix.

Then she will leave, tripping over the treadmill on her way out, and my life will return to normal, where I am happy having what I have until the next time she calls or visits or whatever. Don't get me wrong, I love my mother and I accept that she is crazy and this is just part of her personality, but I struggle all the same to push past her constant criticisms of my life and keep my head where I want it. I hate feeling like I am letting everyone down.

Family Ties

So I guess I have avoided this topic long enough that it is very obviously missing from my blog page. My family has been in a tailspin for almost a year now, and although things have slowed down at times, it seems that it is not going to stop any time soon. Relationships have been damaged, siblings are refusing to communicate with each other, parental ties are strained, and everything is just generally a mess. Somehow I always get stuck in the middle, trying to sort out the miscommunications and problems between everyone else. However, this time I am taking a different route with the family. I love them all, but I am not going to try to solve their problems with each other. I am not going to participate in complaining sessions about other family members, I am not going to commiserate with them about how unfairly they are being treated and I am not going to give them information about a sibling that they are not speaking with. I am simply going to love them and let them sort out their own mess. Does that sound horrible, like I am refusing them the help they so desperately need? Or am I giving them the opportunity to work things out on their own so that they can grow and change? Well, whatever my reasoning is, this is the decision I have made, even though I have not yet vocalized it.

So why am I giving up on my family and abandoning them to their own devices? Because I decided that I just can't do it anymore. I cannot put myself into that position right now and allow myself to be drawn in and pushed around. I have no idea what will happen without me in the "peacemaker" role, but I know that it is the best choice for me. I hope that one of my other siblings will be forced to look outside of themselves and step into that role since it has been vacated. I only hope that it doesn't fall to my brother, who is the only other neutral party at this time. I hope they don't do that to him, because I know it would be devastating for him. I wish my sisters and parents could see what all of this is doing to him. He is such a great kid and he really struggles with all of the drama that has been going on for the last year. It broke my heart to see how sad he was when all of his sisters were fighting last year. Then with the more recent issues between the three sisters, it really seems like he is unsure where to turn.

My dad had this idea last spring that by the end of the summer things would be better between the sisters and then we could finish the project that took us the entire winter. Poor thing, he really thought that a few months would repair all that damage and everyone would be perfectly fine to continue sorting through my grandma's things. I wonder if he will get to the point of hopelessness that I am at and decide to finish the rest of it by himself.

When I was younger, I had this idea that my family would be the same forever, just with a few extra "kids" added in as we each got married. I honestly thought that our relationships would always be pretty steady, that we would all live close enough to remain friends and that our ties would always be as close knit as they once were. I guess I was naive or overly optimistic or something because I know very few families that are like that these days. Why did I think my family could beat the odds? Call it the innocence of youth if you will, but somehow I never doubted that our relationships would always be great. I feel so jaded now, families don't stay together, friends don't stay together, marriages don't stay together. Do people really go on with their lives with no loving relationships to buoy them up? What a lonely and depressing life to live, completely alone with only superficial relationships from forced situations to rely upon. What is there left to believe in if all relationships end?

The knight in shining armor express

Have you ever had someone that was trying so hard to protect you from something painful that they were willing to absorb that pain themselves so you didn't have to experience it? They are willing to step in, take care of you, and shield you from something by taking it on themselves, all because they care about you, even when you have done nothing but deserve that suffering.

I am totally amazed that the boy would do that for me. He offered to step in and talk to my family for me and protect me from a stressful situation, all the while knowing that he would be the one to absorb the impact and would not come off without pain himself. Who does that?

Thinking about it this morning has only intensified how grateful I am for him and the way he takes care of me. I am finding it hard to wrap my mind around it, bewildered that anyone would want to do something like that for me.

Madness

I am so drained this morning. I feel like I am just going through the motions of life today, forcing myself to do normal things, hoping that I can function and make it through today. The weekend was a bit of an emotional train wreck all the way through, and I didn't sleep very much last night so I am just running on fumes this morning.

Through all the craziness of the weekend, I do think that the boy was pretty awesome. He handled my emotional girl moments very nicely and didn't take off like most guys would if they encountered a woman in the state I was in, even though I kept expecting him to. I continue to be completely surprised by his calm and steady reactions to everything that is thrown at him. I think I am wearing him out with all my insanity though.

I think I let down my guard a little too much this weekend, and that was why everything went all sorts of crazy. When I realized that last night I felt those walls come right back up to shield myself again. So much for revealing my vulnerabilities, right? I hate to say it, but I think things are right back where they were before, and he will be asking me why I am hiding my weaknesses again in a few days. Two steps forward, one step back...

Portland

This is a picture of Portland from last July when I was back there visiting. This is taken from the west side of the river, at the top of the tram. I love this picture because you can see some of the bridges over the river and it is framed by beautiful green trees.

Memoir of a misty Portland morning

It is a misty gray morning here, with a dark cloudy sky where the sunshine barely streams through the thick clouds. It makes me miss Portland, where the constant drizzle eventually fades into the background of your consciousness and you barely notice your damp face and the wet blades of grass that stick to your shoes as you cross the lawn. Some days it would rain every day for a week and just when you start thinking you will never see the sun again, there would be a break in the clouds, and a shaft of sunlight would peak through. I think it rained the entire winter when I lived there. They say that if you can survive the first three rainy winters then you have acclimated and can continue living there with no problem. I decided after two months of straight rain that I could never go that long without sunshine again. The air would be so thick with moisture that it was hard for me to breathe at first, I felt so suffocated. The wet cold air would soak its way through any layers you had attempted to block it with, and send a chill through to your bones. I felt as though I would never get warm again, even into March and April I was still freezing. The smell of rain was a constant companion, and even now I can't help but think of Portland when it rains here. Each morning as I walked to work, I would splash through the puddles as if they didn't even exist, through the mud of the abandoned lot, across the road, past the bus station, through parking lots, and under the bridge before arriving at my destination, hot and cold at the same time, and always wet.

"Pet Peeves"

I put the title of this in quotes because what really irritates me is when people complain about their pet peeves as a way to demand that you do/change something. Why should I have to change the way I do something just because it irritates you? How 'bout you change it yourself?

Like, for instance, if someone sends you a stupid email about toilet paper, saying that it is their pet peeve when someone doesn't change the roll. There are two rolls of toilet paper on the dispenser, and one is full, but the other is empty, and she expects me to change it. Hell no, I am not going to change it. If it bothers her that much, she should get up and change it herself. If there is a perfectly good roll right there on the other side of the dispenser I am going to leave it just as it is.

Why should we have to conform to everyones "pet peeves"? I am not talking about relationships and the adjustments you make in that, I am specifically referring to people that you have no relationship with who you have to interact with. I am also not talking about common courtesy things, but tiny, incidental, ridiculous requests to pacify someone who has always had all of their demands acquiesced to. Wouldn't it be easier for her to cater to her own needs and get over herself? I think so!

So I am standing up and saying, "NO. No I will not cater to your every request just because we happen to work in the same office. No I will not change my habits simply because you say you want me to. NO." I have things that irritate me too, but it isn't like I can say "My pet peeve is when you open your mouth and talk. So you should really stop talking. Forever."

I really should say that... It would be funny... well, at least to me... *chuckle*

Unconditional love

Is there such a thing as unconditional love? What does that even mean? Conditions are not the same as boundaries, right? Can we still have boundaries without putting conditions on people? What about expectations? Do we have expectations that someone has to meet in order for us to love them? Does that mean we don't have a right to expect certain things from the people we love? I honestly don't understand this concept. Everyone I know has some sort of expectations or boundaries or restrictions or limitations even with people they love, even if they claim their love is unconditional.


The love for family is supposedly unconditional. But if that is so, why would parents disown their children when they are not living up to expectations? And for that matter, if love between a husband and wife is unconditional, why do so many couples get divorced over matters like finances and adultery? Aren't those both examples of conditional love? "I will love you as long as you do the following things and follow the following rules." Wow, I am sure every little girl dreams of that kind of love, right?

So if no love is actually unconditional, what do people mean when they say they love someone unconditionally? Is it just an exaggerated term meaning that they love someone very much? Does it mean looking past their faults and loving them anyways? If that is the case, then do we each have an internal list of what is appropriate behavior to look past and what is inappropriate behavior that we cannot get past?

There is only one type of love that is actually unconditional in my book, and that is the love of God. Other than that, we are human and selfish and will remove our love if we feel the recipient is not deserving of it. We feel betrayed by someone and to protect ourselves we stop loving them, right? Or do we just convince ourselves that we stop loving them? Do we disown our children but keep on loving them in private silence, wondering if they will ever live up to our expectations so that we can sweep in and bestow them with that love again? Do we divorce our spouse and tell ourselves every day that we are better off without them, all the while keeping a tiny part of our love hidden away, like a discarded sweater in the back of a closet, only to come tripping across it when we are looking in the past? Does that love fade and change over the years but never disappear?

I guess if it never disappears completely, then it must be unconditional after all. We may hide it when we are hurt and take it away when we are disappointed, but if it remains, even hidden, then that is something, right? Maybe instead of being conditional or unconditional, we could label love based upon it's length. It could be temporary love, short term love, long term love, and eternal love. *laugh* It doesn't quite have the same ring as unconditional, does it?

So why am I having this pseudo psychological discussion with myself on this post? I guess it has been on my mind a lot lately. So many people I know are having marital problem or getting divorced. It makes me question the basic fundamentals of marriage, commitment, and love to see so many ending something that is supposed to be so great. I see families that are so engrossed in their opposing viewpoints that they forget to love each other at all, consumed by their arguments and bitter feelings. Pain and suffering, all in the name of love, right? So much for that fairy tale ending I was looking for...

Panic Attacks

Panic /ˈpænɪk/ or [pan-ik]

noun, adjective, verb, -icked, -ick·ing.
–noun
1. a sudden overwhelming fear, with or without cause, that produces hysterical or irrational behavior, and that often spreads quickly through a group of persons or animals.
2. an instance, outbreak, or period of such fear.

Great. The definition of panic. In my case mostly seen in the form of a panic attack, and recently a frequent occurrence. This is a difficult thing to admit to the whole world. Very few people know this about me, and even fewer have witnessed it, thankfully.

It starts with the mind, thoughts and worries racing around, sometimes incomplete, almost always irrational. I can't concentrate on anything around me, and I get lost in this vortex of thoughts going around and around. Then I start to shake, sometimes it is just one part of me, my legs or my hands, sometimes it is my entire being. I feel suffocated and I try to pull deep breaths but they don't help. I start feeling like I can't breathe, and the shaking and thoughts continue to get worse. Next thing I know, my breathing has gotten to the point that I am violently trying to pull in air, convulsing with the effort to get oxygen. I feel like I have never been so scared in my life, I am suffocating and shaking and no matter what I try, I cannot calm down, I cannot force my brain to think about something else. I feel myself on the verge of passing out, the darkness is swirling around me and I fight to maintain consciousness. I am in complete hysterics, crying and shaking, unable to utter more than a few words between my gasping breaths. Eventually, due to medication, passing out or just time, my breathing will start to normalize. My lips and hands tingle, and the shaking starts to slow. My arms and legs feel too heavy to lift or move, they are lead weights at my side. My breath comes spasmodically, alternating between normal rhythm and a few short gasps. I am so exhausted that my brain feels all fuzzy, thoughts are slow to process and my words get mixed up easily.

That is the best description I can give of my experience with panic attacks. Cause, length and severity vary due to conditions. Recently they have been coming more and more frequently.

I guess I automatically assume that this is something that will freak other people out. I keep expecting people to look at me like I have two heads when I tell them about my attacks. Strangely enough, more and more people have been telling me that it is not a big deal and there could be much worse things to watch a person go through. Even the boy tells me this. It doesn't weird him out or make him want to run for the hills. This surprises me, because I automatically assume that people will think I am crazy because of this. So much for hiding my weaknesses from him...

Song in my head...

It was two weeks after the day she turned eighteen
All dressed in white
Going to the church that night
She had his box of letters in the passenger seat
Sixpence in her shoe, something borrowed, something blue
And when the church doors opened up wide
She put her veil down
Trying to hide the tears
Oh she just couldn't believe it
She heard trumpets from the military band
And the flowers fell out of her hand
Baby why'd you leave me
Why'd you have to go?
I was counting on forever, now I'll never know
I can't even breathe
It's like I'm looking from a distance
Standing in the background
Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now
This can't be happening to me
This is just a dream
The preacher man said let us bow our heads and pray
Lord please lift his soul, and heal this hurt
Then the congregation all stood up
and sang the saddest song that she ever heard
Then they handed her a folded up flag
And she held on to all she had left of him
Oh, and what could have been
And then the gun's rang one last shot
And it felt like a bullet in her heart
Baby why'd you leave me
Why'd you have to go?
I was counting on forever, now I'll never know
I can't even breathe
It's like I'm looking from a distance
Standing in the background
Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now
This can't be happening to me
This is just a dream
Oh, Baby why'd you leave me
Why'd you have to go?
I was counting on forever, now I'll never know
Oh, now I'll never know
It's like I'm looking from a distance
Standing in the background
Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now
This can't be happening to me
This is just a dream
Oh, this is just a dream
Just a dream


Carrie Underwood
"Just a Dream"

Weaknesses

So yesterday the boy and I went on a double date to dinner and a movie with some friends from the branch. It was fun, he gets really funny and outrageous whenever we are out in public with other people, and it is a side of him that I don't get to see that often. After we said goodbye to the other couple, we hung out at my house for a little bit. He started asking me about the panic attack I had the other night, and I really didn't want to talk about it. He asked why I walk on eggshells around him. He wanted to know why I try and hide my weaknesses.

Vulnerability. That is why I hide my weaknesses. I don't want to be taken advantage of. Not that I think he would take advantage of my vulnerability, but it is an act of self preservation. Protect your heart, protect your soul, keep your distance. Anyone who has ever been hurt by someone that they trusted will naturally put up that invisible wall to keep themselves from being hurt again. If they didn't, I would seriously question their learning ability!

Trust issues. I think sometimes I hide behind that excuse. I am not a trusting person for the most part, and when I think about trusting someone completely, it just seems like I am setting both of us up for failure. Do you think that you would trust someone you love after five years together? How about twenty? They still cause you heartbreak sometimes, don't they? So why do you still trust them? What about all of the couples that are getting divorced right now. A friend who was married eight years, a cousin who was married twenty years, and various others in between. You trusted that person, and they failed you.

So yes. I hide my weaknesses and I protect my vulnerability, and heaven knows I am careful about trusting others. But after only three and a half months with him, who can really blame me? Especially when after the whole discussion with him, he left me there alone. As soon as the door shut behind him, my emotions got the best of me and I crumbled. But no one was there to see that weakness, and that is the way it will stay...

Indecisive

So creating this blog really showed me how indecisive I can be. It took me at least 30 minutes just to decide what I wanted my url to be. Ridiculous. For real. Does it really make that big of a difference in the long run? Probably not, but even knowing that I still agonize about finding something that I like, which led to the suggestion that I am complicated. Now that I think about it, complicated doesn't even seem to cover it.

I was thinking about what I want to use this blog for, what sort of things I would talk about and who would read it. The problem is, I have a pretty strict filter when it comes to telling certain people specific things and omitting details when I don't want someone to know something about me. Because of that, I think that some people will be surprised when they read this and get to know details about me that I have previously held back. So consider this your fair warning. I am going to be honest and say what I think. No filters here...