Snoring, tires and other things that make me cry

Life has been hectic this past week. Crazy hectic. I moved into a different apartment last weekend with the help of my family and a few close friends. It was quite a process, including removing the banister in my new apartment so that my queen size bed could fit up the stairs. I just finished cleaning my old apartment and will be turning in my keys to it today. Because of all the stress and craziness that accompanies a change such as this, I have been a little overemotional. Ok, crazy emotional. Or maybe just plain crazy. Who knows!

Snoring. I have a snoring problem. I don't snore, but my new next door neighbor does. Quite loudly. The first night I spent in my apartment I went to bed at about 11:00pm, and as soon as I settled down into bed and everything was quiet, I heard the snoring. I mean sawing logs, loud as can be snoring, through the wall of my apartment. This new apartment that I was so excited to move into, and the first night I discover such a thing. It was funny at first, but when I had a hard time sleeping all night long and then was rudely awakened by his alarm clock at 4:30 in the morning, I was upset. All of my idealism could not make up for the thin walls and disturbed sleep. I had been trying to keep up a positive front and ignore the fact that the bathroom floor is falling apart, and there is an iron burn on the floor of my bedroom and holes in the hollow core doors. I had been trying to look past all these little inconsequential things so that I could feel like I made a good decision and that I was going to be happy there. And the snoring just threw me for a loop. I broke down crying and admitted to myself that I may have been a bit hasty in my decision to move because I was so desperate to get out of the place I was in. I admitted that what I really want is an actual house of my own, where I can decorate without feeling like I will get in trouble, where i can run on my treadmill without wondering if someone is going to come knocking on my door asking me to stop. I want my own walls. Walls that I don't have to share with anyone. So anyways that made me cry because I realized that I wasn't getting what I wanted, I was just getting an imitation of what I wanted and I had convinced myself that it would do.

Tires. Now really, tires don't make me cry on their own. I am not that crazy. But in this instance, it was more about what the tires represent for me. Right now, my old tires are not safe to drive on the interstate. So new tires represent freedom and safety. But tires are expensive, so they also represent money. Money that I don't have. So when my dad called me up the other day and told me he is ordering a brand new set of studded snow tires for me plus wheels, I was floored. On the one hand, this is a very generous and amazing thing that he is doing for me and I should be grateful, right? On the other hand, I feel horrible, and I don't want to let him do this because I am an adult and should not need my dad to rescue me and pay my bills.

Such is the randomness of life, right? Fiercely independent yet emotionally fragile at the same time. Always wanting what we don't have. Life is a struggle, a constant battle to remain upright and function despite the obstacles that we are thrown. Sometimes the solutions are not what we want or maybe not ideal, but they work as solutions anyways. So I will run a fan every night to block out the snoring sounds, and I will make payments to my father every month for two years. Such is life.