Weaknesses

So yesterday the boy and I went on a double date to dinner and a movie with some friends from the branch. It was fun, he gets really funny and outrageous whenever we are out in public with other people, and it is a side of him that I don't get to see that often. After we said goodbye to the other couple, we hung out at my house for a little bit. He started asking me about the panic attack I had the other night, and I really didn't want to talk about it. He asked why I walk on eggshells around him. He wanted to know why I try and hide my weaknesses.

Vulnerability. That is why I hide my weaknesses. I don't want to be taken advantage of. Not that I think he would take advantage of my vulnerability, but it is an act of self preservation. Protect your heart, protect your soul, keep your distance. Anyone who has ever been hurt by someone that they trusted will naturally put up that invisible wall to keep themselves from being hurt again. If they didn't, I would seriously question their learning ability!

Trust issues. I think sometimes I hide behind that excuse. I am not a trusting person for the most part, and when I think about trusting someone completely, it just seems like I am setting both of us up for failure. Do you think that you would trust someone you love after five years together? How about twenty? They still cause you heartbreak sometimes, don't they? So why do you still trust them? What about all of the couples that are getting divorced right now. A friend who was married eight years, a cousin who was married twenty years, and various others in between. You trusted that person, and they failed you.

So yes. I hide my weaknesses and I protect my vulnerability, and heaven knows I am careful about trusting others. But after only three and a half months with him, who can really blame me? Especially when after the whole discussion with him, he left me there alone. As soon as the door shut behind him, my emotions got the best of me and I crumbled. But no one was there to see that weakness, and that is the way it will stay...