Panic Attacks

Panic /ˈpænɪk/ or [pan-ik]

noun, adjective, verb, -icked, -ick·ing.
–noun
1. a sudden overwhelming fear, with or without cause, that produces hysterical or irrational behavior, and that often spreads quickly through a group of persons or animals.
2. an instance, outbreak, or period of such fear.

Great. The definition of panic. In my case mostly seen in the form of a panic attack, and recently a frequent occurrence. This is a difficult thing to admit to the whole world. Very few people know this about me, and even fewer have witnessed it, thankfully.

It starts with the mind, thoughts and worries racing around, sometimes incomplete, almost always irrational. I can't concentrate on anything around me, and I get lost in this vortex of thoughts going around and around. Then I start to shake, sometimes it is just one part of me, my legs or my hands, sometimes it is my entire being. I feel suffocated and I try to pull deep breaths but they don't help. I start feeling like I can't breathe, and the shaking and thoughts continue to get worse. Next thing I know, my breathing has gotten to the point that I am violently trying to pull in air, convulsing with the effort to get oxygen. I feel like I have never been so scared in my life, I am suffocating and shaking and no matter what I try, I cannot calm down, I cannot force my brain to think about something else. I feel myself on the verge of passing out, the darkness is swirling around me and I fight to maintain consciousness. I am in complete hysterics, crying and shaking, unable to utter more than a few words between my gasping breaths. Eventually, due to medication, passing out or just time, my breathing will start to normalize. My lips and hands tingle, and the shaking starts to slow. My arms and legs feel too heavy to lift or move, they are lead weights at my side. My breath comes spasmodically, alternating between normal rhythm and a few short gasps. I am so exhausted that my brain feels all fuzzy, thoughts are slow to process and my words get mixed up easily.

That is the best description I can give of my experience with panic attacks. Cause, length and severity vary due to conditions. Recently they have been coming more and more frequently.

I guess I automatically assume that this is something that will freak other people out. I keep expecting people to look at me like I have two heads when I tell them about my attacks. Strangely enough, more and more people have been telling me that it is not a big deal and there could be much worse things to watch a person go through. Even the boy tells me this. It doesn't weird him out or make him want to run for the hills. This surprises me, because I automatically assume that people will think I am crazy because of this. So much for hiding my weaknesses from him...