Green...Envy green....

Yesterday evening I arrived at the mall early for my walking date with KJ. So, being the glutton for punishment that I am, I went into Motherhood Maternity, a cute little clothing boutique for those who are...expecting. The store was empty when I went inside, with the exception of the clerk. She looked up from the counter when the bell chimed loudly announcing my arrival. Maybe it was just me, but I swear it chimed “Infertile!” as I stepped inside the doors. I felt like a fool.

What am I doing in here?

Why do I feel the need to

browse through maternity clothing

when I am not pregnant!

I subconsciously placed my hand on my stomach, wondering if everyone else could sense my lack of child. Wondering if it was written across my forehead in crayon. And then, as I walked a little closer to the checkout counter, the clerk smiled at me and said “welcome to motherhood!” And then I died a thousand times and thought:

Moron! Why did you come in here!

She thinks you’re expecting...um...something!

She is probably thinking

“Look at the freakshow that decided to bother me”

or even

“we don’t want your kind in here”

and she is soooo right!

So I made what I hoped was an inconspicuous u-turn, and started browse-heading back for the doors.

Did you need help finding anything?

No, thank you I am fine.

Well, what are you looking for?

Uhhhh...(now what was I supposed to say here? That I was missing my embryo and thought I might find it in her maternity store? That I hoped to have a drink of whatever it was that all the pregnant models and customers were drinking?)

And then she moved out from behind the counter. And her visible bump moved out from behind there too. And like a train wreck, I couldn’t look away. I stammered and stuttered and hemmed and hawed like the freakshow I am, trying to back away from the scene I had stumbled into.

And I backed into the clothes rack behind me. Hard. Hard enough that I thought the whole thing was going to topple over. And then I would have to try and reassemble the mountain of clothing and the cute little pregnant model posters that were on top. And all the while, pregnant clerk just kept smiling at me, expecting an answer to her question that she asked, I don’t know, eons ago!

I’mGoodThanksButIGottaGoNowThanksAnywaysBye.

...and the mad dash to the front of the store commenced. Like a swimmer coming up for a long overdue breath of air, I raced out of there as fast as my lungs could handle. And at the door, there was KJ, ready to rescue me from drowning in Motherhood Maternity. We immediately got down to the business of walking, and she graciously let the topic of my temporary insanity slide, bless her lil' heart.

After we were done with our bazillion laps, I headed home to Scotland, seeking relief from my waltz into babydom. And while he was sitting there at the laptop, he pulled up his facebook page, and who’s friend request was staring me in the face? His ex girlfriend from Kentucky. With her brandnewbabygirltwins. And then I died a million more times, and went into the bedroom and cried.

And I may or may not have screamed into a pillow while I was in there.

Red eyed, but (mostly) composed, I came back out of the bedroom to find my bewildered husband who, wisely, chose to avoid the subject for the rest of the evening.

And so did I.