Life is messy

I decided today that the times that I am the happiest are when I accept that my life is one big crazy mess and I don't stress about it. I acknowledge that not everything is going to go the way I want, that I don't have control over everything, and that I can handle the little glitches along the way and then I relax. For instance, when you come back from Christmas thinking everything is great and you walk into your new apartment and walk onto a soaking wet carpet. I admit, it took me a little time to laugh about it, and at first I was a little concerned, but what can you do?

I admit that sometimes I like it when things are a bit crazy, because then it prevents me from over analyzing things. I am too busy thinking about my boy and my brother accidentally turning on the stove and melting a plastic sack and a nylon wrist strap. Or helping my mom and cousin sew an entire queen size quilt top in one evening. It is nice to have these distractions to keep me from stewing about my life and how I wish it could be.

So for now, I am happy with my crazy busy life. I know that I can't control everything, and I am ok with that. I am trying not to stress about the little inconsequential things that come up, and just be happy that I am doing ok. Besides, like my dad says, "I like trouble." I like mess. Just look at my house!

Wishing you a drama free Christmas

Ahhhh the holidays....full of fun, tradition, food, laughter and drama. Yes, that is right. Even though no one ever admits that drama is a major portion of the holiday season, I am here to tell you that they are wrong! What drama am I talking about, you ask? Let me count the ways!

1. Gift giving drama: who do I get presents for, what do I get them, what if I get them something and they don't get me anything? How much will I spend, where will I get it, will they like it, and on and on and on. What about those unexpected gift givers that show up Christmas Eve and hand you a gift and you stand there like an idiot with empty hands and a goofy smile on your face? What do you do then? Drama my friend. Drama.

2. Scheduling drama: where will we spend Christmas Eve, where will we spend Christmas day, what parties will we attend, what will we do for Christmas, who will be there, who can't be there, how will we get there? Someone is going to be upset that someone else is not coming. You cannot please everyone, henceforth, drama.

3. Miscellaneous drama: Who will cook, what are we eating, when are we eating, where are we eating, who will clean up afterward? What is the weather going to be like when we have to drive somewhere? Where is the tag to this gift? Who does it go to? What did we forget to wrap? What did we forget to bring? Sounding familiar? Drama!

Beyond that, if you are extra special, you get the really dramatic stuff. This sister doesn't want to attend Christmas because that other sister will be there. This child is not getting along with that parent, so they will only come get their gifts when the parent is gone. This married couple wants to spend 80% of their time with the fun side of the family, and 20% of their time with the boring side of the family, and the boring family is upset that they don't get more time and probably also upset that they are thought of as boring.

It just makes you smile, doesn't it? Either way, if this sounds like your family or not, you are probably smiling about it. If you are telling yourself that you are lucky that your family doesn't do that sort of thing when the holidays come around, and smiling because you think it will always be that way, don't worry, it won't. If you are smiling because it sounds all too familiar and you think to yourself that those descriptions sound exactly like your crazy family, you should know that they probably think of your family drama as a result of your behavior. But either way you're smiling, right?

For the record, this holiday was a little lower on the drama scale for me. But that was probably because the dramatic ones did not come, and the non dramatic ones did not care that the others didn't come. So I say, embrace the drama, embrace the craziness, put a big goofy smile on your face and just let it ride! And tell your friends "Merry Christmas and a drama free New Year!"

Some days are crazier than others

So I have had a migraine all day, and it just so happens that I started up the hiring process again, which means I am juggling calls for "Randy" and other calls for "Kristi" between two different desks. I feel like I just can't get ahead some days. I fight and fight and fight, and there is still stuff that I am leaving undone, both in my professional and personal lives. I dream of a day that I really truly have finished everything that needs to be done, and I can sit and just twiddle my thumbs with absolutely nothing left. Even when I do have a moment to myself I realize that I have been putting off reading that series of books that everyone is giving me crap about (I hear you, ya Twilight Nazis!) or that I have seriously neglected my crochet pile (and the thirty half done projects that I have there) or that there is someone that I have been meaning to call for the last month or so (my most sincere apologies, Christine!) and then it hits me that I didn't actually have a moment to myself, I just had a lapse in judgment that I might be done with something.

I have no idea how they do it, but some people are able to gracefully handle a five bedroom home, four kids, a full time job, and a budding career as a writer all while sipping a cup of tea with their neighbor and maintaining their mother of the year status. I feel like I can barely take care of myself, and everything else gets neglected, including my dishes, laundry and my inbox at work. Did I sleep through the time management course in college? Did they actually teach that, or was I born without that gene? What I really want to ask is, who can I blame for my time management deficiencies? I am sure my mother tried to instruct me in these things, just as she attempted to teach me to cook and iron and shop with coupons. However, as I am an utter failure in these other aspects of life as well (which you would know if you ever tried one of my bread making disasters) I have determined that there are just some things that I am not meant to do. Still, I cannot help but feel a sense of disappointment that I can't be that perfect all accomplishing woman that I would like to be. I wonder if every other normal woman out there feels the same way as me, and wonders if there will ever be a day when the house is clean and things at work are under control and it is not crazy town all day long.

So until I am able to reach this dream state of being, I suppose I will continue to run around from one place to the next and hope that eventually I will get on top of the things that I have been neglecting, and feel more in control of my crazy life. Someday...

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

So, Kentucky boy is going back home for a few days, starting tomorrow. A few weeks ago when he told me that he was going, I thought that this would be great because he would be able to see his family, and I could get some things done that I had been putting off. While I am happy that he is so excited to go, I feel heavy with the realization that he won't be here with me. I am stunned that I have become so attached to him in such a short amount of time. Five months as of yesterday in fact, and I am surprised that I depend on him as much as I do. Yesterday, I was terrified to drive in the snow, and he took me to work and picked me up after it was over. It was so sweet of him, I tried to protest, telling him that although nervous, I could do it, but he just takes care of me.

He is only going to be gone for five days. That is it, not even over Christmas, but I just don't want him to leave right now. Things have been so incredibly good lately and he has been so wonderful that I question how I will manage without him.

Sometimes I am the strong and independent type. Sometimes I feel like I don't need anyone around, and I can do it by myself. But then I get over myself and realize that I don't want to have to be that person. I like depending upon someone, I like supporting someone and having them support me right back. For all my criticisms of marriage, it certainly fulfills that need to have someone by your side, someone that is always concerned about you, and wants the best for you, and loves you. My family does that to a point, but I think that marriage is different than the support your family can provide because your spouses life is inextricably entwined with yours. How amazing to have two lives blend together to make one life.

Right now I feel like the boy and I have started that process of entangling our lives. It becomes more complicated when you have to figure another person into your life, but it is something that I am learning to do, bit by bit. I want to go with him to run stupid errands, I want to have him there when I am working on the computer at home, or have him help me hang up curtains. I want to be part of his life and have him be part of mine. I don't want him to go.

As much as I will miss him, I know that he will return after five long days, and things will be fine. My life will not fall apart without him. His will not fall apart without me.

Now if I could only guarantee that Kentucky girl will not get to him...

Today this song fits...

As I rest against this cold hard wall,
oh will you pass me by?
Will you criticize me as I sit and cry?
I had fought so hard and thought
that all my battles had been won
Only to find the war had just begun

Chorus:
Is He not strong enough?
Is He not pure enough?
To break me, pour me out and start again.
Is He not brave enough?
To take one chance on me
Please can I have one chance to start again

Will my weakness for a hour
make me suffer for a lifetime?
Is there any way to be made whole again
If I be renewed and find forgiveness
by the strength I've never had
Will my scars forever ruin all God's plans?

Chorus:
Is He not strong enough?
Is He not pure enough?
To break me, pour me out and start again?
Is He not brave enough?
To take one chance on me
Please can I have one chance to start again

He took my life into His hands
And turned it all around
In my most desperate circumstance,
is there I'm finally found
That You are strong enough
That You are pure enough
To break me, pour me out and start again
That You are brave enough
To take one chance on me,
Oh thank You for my chance to start again

Stacie Orrico ~ Strong Enough

Big Fights

I guess I never realized before that sometimes fights are necessary. Big fat ugly fights sometimes create connection and understanding that was not there before. We can only go part way on minor confrontations because although they are clean and neat where fights are not, they only allow us to show a small portion of ourselves. Fights can allow us to see others for who they really are and also to see ourselves and all of our issues and problems in a clearer light.

I sometimes forget that you can fight with someone because you love them and they are worth fighting with. In so many of my past relationships, I have chosen the easy way out, when things get tough, I take off. But when I really care about someone, I will fight. I will call them out on the carpet and tell them why I am mad and what they have done (or not done). I will rant and rave and cry, all the while attempting to express these emotions that seem to be bursting from me. I don't carefully choose my words and tip toe around issues. I get messy and it gets ugly and by hashing it out that way, we actually can come to a resolution and things become crystal clear. Not that it is that easy all the time. Sometimes it takes a while, sometimes it takes weeks or months. But in the end, I always know that whatever holds us together will last through the fight, and eventually that bond will heal anything. If I didn't care about them, I wouldn't fight with them. If I didn't love them, I would just leave it.

Snoring, tires and other things that make me cry

Life has been hectic this past week. Crazy hectic. I moved into a different apartment last weekend with the help of my family and a few close friends. It was quite a process, including removing the banister in my new apartment so that my queen size bed could fit up the stairs. I just finished cleaning my old apartment and will be turning in my keys to it today. Because of all the stress and craziness that accompanies a change such as this, I have been a little overemotional. Ok, crazy emotional. Or maybe just plain crazy. Who knows!

Snoring. I have a snoring problem. I don't snore, but my new next door neighbor does. Quite loudly. The first night I spent in my apartment I went to bed at about 11:00pm, and as soon as I settled down into bed and everything was quiet, I heard the snoring. I mean sawing logs, loud as can be snoring, through the wall of my apartment. This new apartment that I was so excited to move into, and the first night I discover such a thing. It was funny at first, but when I had a hard time sleeping all night long and then was rudely awakened by his alarm clock at 4:30 in the morning, I was upset. All of my idealism could not make up for the thin walls and disturbed sleep. I had been trying to keep up a positive front and ignore the fact that the bathroom floor is falling apart, and there is an iron burn on the floor of my bedroom and holes in the hollow core doors. I had been trying to look past all these little inconsequential things so that I could feel like I made a good decision and that I was going to be happy there. And the snoring just threw me for a loop. I broke down crying and admitted to myself that I may have been a bit hasty in my decision to move because I was so desperate to get out of the place I was in. I admitted that what I really want is an actual house of my own, where I can decorate without feeling like I will get in trouble, where i can run on my treadmill without wondering if someone is going to come knocking on my door asking me to stop. I want my own walls. Walls that I don't have to share with anyone. So anyways that made me cry because I realized that I wasn't getting what I wanted, I was just getting an imitation of what I wanted and I had convinced myself that it would do.

Tires. Now really, tires don't make me cry on their own. I am not that crazy. But in this instance, it was more about what the tires represent for me. Right now, my old tires are not safe to drive on the interstate. So new tires represent freedom and safety. But tires are expensive, so they also represent money. Money that I don't have. So when my dad called me up the other day and told me he is ordering a brand new set of studded snow tires for me plus wheels, I was floored. On the one hand, this is a very generous and amazing thing that he is doing for me and I should be grateful, right? On the other hand, I feel horrible, and I don't want to let him do this because I am an adult and should not need my dad to rescue me and pay my bills.

Such is the randomness of life, right? Fiercely independent yet emotionally fragile at the same time. Always wanting what we don't have. Life is a struggle, a constant battle to remain upright and function despite the obstacles that we are thrown. Sometimes the solutions are not what we want or maybe not ideal, but they work as solutions anyways. So I will run a fan every night to block out the snoring sounds, and I will make payments to my father every month for two years. Such is life.

Relationship Roles

As I sit here and contemplate the events of the past few days, I keep coming back to the concept of roles. Every participant in a relationship has a part to play, a role they fulfill. I know, it is a cynical viewpoint to compare relationships to acting, but I think it is more true than we admit. Whether or not we are actually "acting" is not what I am talking about. Some people are fake in their behavior, some people are honest. That is not the point. The point is, people bring out traits and behaviors in us and we often take on a role in a relationship as a reaction to the other person. When I am with my dad, I take on the role of student because he has this way of "teaching" life lessons to me, even ones that I already know or have experienced. I don't mind it because I don't feel he is talking down to me or berating me. When I am with my high school friends, I take on the role of successful and happy to prove it to them as well as myself because of my insecurities. When I am talking to Portland friends, I act confident and sassy, even bordering on outrageous. When I am with the boy I am fragile and emotional.

Some of these roles are obvious, and the reasons they come out are obvious. Some are a little more difficult to interpret. I have no idea why with one person I am fragile and with another I am confident and strong. Is it a reflection of what the other person is? Am I fragile because Scott is strong? Or does it have more to do with their reactions to the behavior? Am I confident and sassy because I like the reaction I get from Adam? Am I afraid that the same behavior would get a negative reaction from Scott? Or is it more situational? Do I feel weak because I am not in control of the situation and I don't determine the direction of the relationship?

The other option is to determine what your current role in the relationship is and then try to change it to what you want to be. I don't like being fragile and damaged. I want to be quietly strong and supportive. That is the decision I made last night, and I hope that my behavior toward him backed that up. I told him what I wanted, and then I supported him when he told me what he wanted. It is not perfect by any means, but it is better, and I don't feel like the emotional wreck I have been for the past few weeks anymore. Hopefully I can maintain that role and keep building this relationship up instead of tearing myself down...

Struggles

The plan is to move this Saturday. I am really excited about this new apartment because it has a washer and dryer, dishwasher, and garage, all of which I don't have right now. So many people have been so good to me about this move, providing packing materials, helping me pack, clean and move all my stuff, and I am so grateful for all their assistance. I am feeling stressed about it, but it is "manageable" as Scott would say.

My car is giving me problems right now, and I have been told that I am not to drive on the interstate until I get new tires. I hate putting money into my car when I am still making payments on it, but I guess that I don't have much of a choice at this point.

I am also getting stressed about the changes at work. My company is doing an internal restructure that is all based around some offhanded comment I made one day. It is a little uncertain what I will be doing in two months when the morphing of jobs is completed, but I hope that it will contain the things that I like to do. We are still short staffed, and I am still in the hiring process, but hopefully this time it will be a little bit easier on everyone involved.

My family is actually very low on the stress scale right now but I am sure that will change when Christmas comes around, but for now they are all keeping quietly to themselves and the drama is at a low level.

My relationship is actually one of things that is stressing me out the most right now, for many reasons, but mostly because I hate not knowing what direction we are going. Kali asked me what I would say if he proposed today, and I honestly don't know the answer to that. In previous relationships, I always knew if I would marry someone. I don't know if that was just the immature confidence of youth, or if I just have more doubts about marriage in general now, but I have such insecurity in these big decisions now.

The other thing I am struggling with right now is my faith and it's application to my life. I just feel that I don't understand things like I should. I go to church and everyone else participates and answers questions, and I feel like I have nothing to contribute because I know so little about it. Being born in this religion, I really should know more about it than I do, and I am ashamed at the low level of my gospel knowledge.