Realization

I hit this moment today where I realized that I have to worry about my parents health now. When my grandma was sick, I had to worry about her health and what was going on with her, but it is different somehow when it is your parents. My dad was diagnosed with cataracts today. It really bothers me, because I have spent the last week worrying about different problems with his health and wondering what other problems they will cause, and then this came up. I knew this time would come eventually, but I really didn't expect it this soon. My dad is only fifty two and although he has high blood pressure and is on the verge of diabetes, I have always thought of him as a pretty healthy guy.

The scary thing about realizing your parents are getting older is that it forces you to contemplate their mortality. I honestly can't think of anything that would be more devastating to me at this very moment than losing my dad. Even as I write this, I can feel my eyes welling up with tears as I think about it. Even with the knowledge that my faith gives me, I cannot imagine my life without my dad. He is my foundation, the person I turn to for everything, the one I depend upon. I cannot even put into words the special relationship I share with him.

I have always been close to my dad. Even when I was a kid, I would rather help dad do anything at all than play with anyone else. I remember him coming home on his lunch hour from work in his blue mechanic's uniform, and running to him as soon as he got through the door. He always smelled like gasoline and oil, and going into any shop that has that smell reminds me of him. He would cook us grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup, and would always have the radio tuned to the oldies station. I remember when he was going to school after his back injury, and he would study for those classes so hard, and even let me accompany him to a presentation he had to give. I remember going with him to the pinewood derby's, although they were supposed to be just for the boys. We went camping and boating and fishing with him, and I am sure he got tired of it, because he is a horrible fisherman. Even in college, I would go to his office to have lunch and he would let me help grade papers and use his computer. My entire life is built around this one man. This amazing, kind, wonderful man, who always put my needs before his own, this selfless man who worried about me and took care of me, this man is the center of my life right now. Without him I would be completely lost and heartbroken.

Not every child is as lucky as I am. Some kids don't have any parents, or have parents that don't want them. Some kids don't ever get along with their parents. I am so blessed to have such a great dad. I am a better person because of him, and I hope that when I am a parent, I will be like him. So maybe the realization is not that I have to worry about his health now, but maybe instead, his health made me realize how irreplaceable he is, and that I don't know what I would do without him. Maybe it made me recognize again how grateful I am. My dad is amazing.