I started a relationship with a person a little over two years ago with the absolute definitive knowledge that nothing would come of it. We dated for seven months, and then I moved back to Idaho. I knew from the very beginning that I could never marry him, but I still allowed myself to be pulled into a relationship with him. Some people would look at that as a waste of time or a ridiculous choice since I knew that all along. I even had one girl tell me how horrified she was that I would make that decision because I probably had "missed meeting the one" by dating the Portland boy. I was so confused by that, if I was destined to meet the one in Portland, would it really be as easy to do as driving past the road you were supposed to turn on? One chance, you missed it, now it's gone? That's it? Oh, ok that is not the point I was getting to, though. That relationship with Portland boy was soooo easy and relaxed, because I never had to worry about the whole marriage thing. I didn't ask myself endless questions about whether I could see myself with him in ten years, what sort of father I thought he would make, if he was a financially responsible person that I would be able to buy a house with, if I could handle spending holidays with his family and friends, if I would hate or love my in-laws, etc etc etc. *laugh* How easy! I never asked myself any of those questions when I was with him! I seem to be drowning in those questions now, but in Portland I had the security of already making my decision to allow me to completely disregard all such topics.
I suppose it is a reasonable expectation that the person you are dating should want to spend time with you. At least I should hope so... The amount of time is where I get into trouble. Now I am not suggesting you get matching belts so you can be literally attached at the hip, but I have been told that I push the boundaries of appropriate amounts of togetherness. I attribute this need for constant companionship to several things:
1. My mother never hugged me as a child.
2. My "love language" is quality time.
3. I am an unmarried 26 year old.
Ok, so I am joking about the first one there, obviously my mother hugged me as a kid, at least I think so... And I am sure that everyone gasped in horror at number three... Anyways I have a really hard time with some relationships because I want to spend every free moment with the person I love. I have some strange expectations that if we have errands to run, we will run them together, and if there are things to be done at the house, we will do them together. I honestly don't care that much what we are doing, as long as we are in the same proximity and interacting occasionally with each other. I always want more time, and I seem to be disappointed more often than not. I think back to previous relationships and am somewhat surprised at the amount of time I spent with former flames. I even worked with one guy, and we would work together all day and then hang out together all evening. It amazes me now that I even got anything done during those times. Someone asked me once if I ever got sick of constantly being around the person I loved. I remember thinking that was a ridiculous question, why would you ever want to be by yourself when you could be with the person you love? I've come to find out that not everyone shares my opinion. I have to constantly remind myself that he is not choosing to do something without me because he does not love me. It is very hard to keep myself from feeling that way these days. When I recognize that I am experiencing those emotions, I get mad. I am angry that I am really that needy and insecure of a person, and I am mad that he hasn't read my mind and realized that I wanted more time with him and acquiesced. *rolls eyes* No wonder I am running around in circles...
I realized today that I have very detailed expectations for my relationships also. I must be lining up events in my head of what I think it going to happen or what should happen. I spend all my time thinking about what could be that I am less able to focus on what is currently going on with non relationship aspects of my life. *chuckle* My sink full of dirty dishes, for example. I spend so much time analyzing and expecting and being disappointed or surprised about outcomes that I haven't even noticed everything else that is going on. An old friend used to tell me that expectations are up here *hand near head* and reality is here *hand near waist* and what is in between is disappointment. I had this silly idea that the next few steps of my current relationship would be us spending more time as a couple with our families, maybe a weekend road trip, a concurrent exchanging of keys (for safety purposes and convenience, not because someone is moving in), leaving a hairbrush and a change of clothes at each other's houses, and some hypothetical marriage discussions. I feel like instead of a nice steady progression from one step to the next, I am getting a jolting start and stop of an old jalopy. I am really having a hard time switching gears when they are so sudden and unexpected.
So here I am, with my crazy relationship ideas about what is normal and what is not. I feel a bit discombobulated with the whole thing, but I guess I just need to adjust my expectations. I can't help feeling a bit let down though, because the inner optimist in me held tight to those expectations, no matter how high and unrealistic they are. *Sigh* I guess the quicker I adjust to things, the less crazy they will make me. Hey, I told you I was off the edge of normal...
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