Giving thanks

So when I was finalizing my Thanksgiving plans with my mother last night on the phone, she told me that my uncle is having a big thanksgiving dinner at his house with all of my extended family on my mothers side. I was expecting to have a nice quiet thanksgiving dinner with just my parents and siblings at their house. My fathers side of the family is in the midst of a divorce for one of my cousins and so that dinner will be a bit disjointed, so we figured it was just better to stay at home this year.


I have to say I am a bit disappointed that we don't get to have dinner at the parents house. I was looking forward to doing some cooking with my mother and sisters and talking and laughing and then going to a movie afterward. Just a nice, relaxing day hanging out with my siblings and chatting with my parents.


I know that if we go to my uncles house it is going to be complete madness, children running amok, loud voices of my aunts and uncles, political discussions and the game going in the background. Inevitably, someone will drop a plate of food that will splatter gravy on my pants, a juice cup will be knocked over covering the white table cloth and my shirt with a red stain, and a forkful of pie will land on my shoe. I will emerge from the family gathering covered in food that doesn't belong to me and irritated beyond belief and ready to kick the next smiling aunt I see with a turkey sweater and a bowl of jello salad in her hands. This has the potential to be a complete disaster.


On the other hand, perhaps this is just the opportunity that I need to finally free myself from the dreaded curse of the family get together, and show that I am not afraid to attend any family function. I will slide past my nosy aunts asking if I am seeing anyone with a beaming smile and a compliment on their lovely turkey sweater. I will dodge my loud mouthed uncles with a chortle and ask if the wallet I saw in the other room might belong to them. I will step over screaming babies and sneak past grubby fingered kids telling them that grandpa has candy in his pockets that they need to find. I will dodge pregnant cousins with the offer of finding that missing piece of pie they were craving in the kitchen. I will emerge, victorious, spoon in hand, with the last of the cheesecake and know that I have won, at last.

To pack or not to pack...

So the packing has commenced, as I will be moving in just over a week, and needless to say my stress level has increased substantially with that deadline looming. My family has generously offered to come up and help me move, and while I am grateful for the assistance, I am also hesitant about what will surely be their forthcoming opinions.

Bring on the judgements. My mother will comment about my eleven boxes of books, (why don't you just go to the library? No one needs this many books!) my father will comment about my totes of clothing, (if you did your laundry more often you wouldn't need this many clothes, right?) my brother will complain about my over-sized furniture, (this china hutch is huge! are you trying to kill me?) and one of my sisters will inevitably say something about my having a two bedroom apartment of junk to myself. I am truly considering stashing a few things before the family shows up to help me move, because I am that desperate to avoid the judgmental comments. It is like those perfect women that have to clean their house before the maid shows up because they don't want the maid to think they are dirty.

Sounds pretty insecure, right? I guess it is. See the thing is, I like my stuff. I like having tons of clothes and shoes, I like having lots of books and movies, and granted sometimes I feel like I have too much stuff, but that just gives me an excuse to clean and organize every now and then.

So here we go. Hopefully I can handle this. I guess we shall see...

My unbirthday

Last night my youngest sister came to town and gave me my birthday present. (My birthday was in August, but we weren't able to coordinate a time to go shopping until now.) She took me to get my nails done, she took me out to dinner at Johnny Carinos and then took me to Sportsmans Warehouse to buy me a sleeping bag. I teased her about being independently wealthy, since she can afford to spend lavish amounts on anything she wants now that she has her settlement money. It was actually a lot more fun than I expected it to be. I was really glad that I could have a good time with her without the background tension about the family problems. My nails are pink sparkly tipped and outrageously long, and my sleeping bag is dark blue with a blue checkered flannel interior.

Tonight my parents are coming to stay with me, and I am trying really hard not to let them stress me out. They are bringing me some software I need, a head-board and foot-board for my bed and a tv that I bought from my older sister. They are taking home a desk and a birdcage, so I guess the trade off is pretty well in my favor. My dad and I will both be attending our class on Saturday up in Rexburg and I am pretty excited about that.

This is what I want

Somebody Knows You Now
Brad Paisley

You used to say you wanted someone
to know you inside out
And as I look back on things
well congratulations baby
Somebody knows you now
All of this time you told me you wished
that you could figure yourself out
You say you're still a mystery
but no not really not to me
Yeah somebody knows you now
I got a hundred bucks that says
right now your hair's up in a clip
Your socks don't quite match
and you're bitin' your lip
I can finish your thoughts
or pick the right restaurants
Even order for you 'fore you sit down
Yeah somebody knows you now
So no matter where you life's path leads
Remember me somehow
And feel a little warm inside
knowin' that somewhere tonight
Somebody knows you now
Well baby all your mystery
Like you and me is history
'Cause somebody knows you now

Visit from the parents

My mother called last night to let me know that she and my father would be coming up on Friday night to stay with me so that dad and I can attend a class in Rexburg on Saturday. I am quite apprehensive about this little sleepover for several reasons, but most of all because I know what my mother will say. You see, her opinion of how successful my life is usually revolves around three main things; job, boyfriend, and house. The job is fine, she doesn't know exactly what I do everyday but she knows I get a steady paycheck, so she will be fine with that. The boyfriend is good, she really likes Scott because she thinks he must be brilliant since he has a degree in economics. But the house, well that is a different matter. She will tell me that my apartment is a disaster area, that I have way too much stuff for way to small a space. She will say that it is a shame I can't find an apartment in a nicer area of town, something larger, with a garage and a washer and dryer. She will shake her head at my larger than life treadmill in the middle of my living room and tell me that it is a shame I have to have trip over it everyday, and then, inevitably, she will trip over it. She will look at the carpet and ask if I own a vacuum, to which I will reply, yes and I just vacuumed today, and she will shake her head. Then she will tell me that it is a shame that I am wasting my money on rent when I could be building equity in a home, and I will reply yet again that I can't afford a house by myself when I work off commission. To which, she will re-evaluate her prior decision of the job and boyfriend being ok and she will ask me why I don't get a better job and when I expect that boy to marry me. *laugh* And I will wonder why I wasn't prepared for her little criticisms about every aspect of my life with some witty remark, and then I will realize that she is just vocalizing the thoughts that swirl around in my head and constantly pick at my self esteem. I don't think I have a conscience, but I do have my mother's voice in my head that does mostly the same thing. And I will go from being completely ok with my life to feeling like I let everyone down and I have so many things to fix.

Then she will leave, tripping over the treadmill on her way out, and my life will return to normal, where I am happy having what I have until the next time she calls or visits or whatever. Don't get me wrong, I love my mother and I accept that she is crazy and this is just part of her personality, but I struggle all the same to push past her constant criticisms of my life and keep my head where I want it. I hate feeling like I am letting everyone down.

Family Ties

So I guess I have avoided this topic long enough that it is very obviously missing from my blog page. My family has been in a tailspin for almost a year now, and although things have slowed down at times, it seems that it is not going to stop any time soon. Relationships have been damaged, siblings are refusing to communicate with each other, parental ties are strained, and everything is just generally a mess. Somehow I always get stuck in the middle, trying to sort out the miscommunications and problems between everyone else. However, this time I am taking a different route with the family. I love them all, but I am not going to try to solve their problems with each other. I am not going to participate in complaining sessions about other family members, I am not going to commiserate with them about how unfairly they are being treated and I am not going to give them information about a sibling that they are not speaking with. I am simply going to love them and let them sort out their own mess. Does that sound horrible, like I am refusing them the help they so desperately need? Or am I giving them the opportunity to work things out on their own so that they can grow and change? Well, whatever my reasoning is, this is the decision I have made, even though I have not yet vocalized it.

So why am I giving up on my family and abandoning them to their own devices? Because I decided that I just can't do it anymore. I cannot put myself into that position right now and allow myself to be drawn in and pushed around. I have no idea what will happen without me in the "peacemaker" role, but I know that it is the best choice for me. I hope that one of my other siblings will be forced to look outside of themselves and step into that role since it has been vacated. I only hope that it doesn't fall to my brother, who is the only other neutral party at this time. I hope they don't do that to him, because I know it would be devastating for him. I wish my sisters and parents could see what all of this is doing to him. He is such a great kid and he really struggles with all of the drama that has been going on for the last year. It broke my heart to see how sad he was when all of his sisters were fighting last year. Then with the more recent issues between the three sisters, it really seems like he is unsure where to turn.

My dad had this idea last spring that by the end of the summer things would be better between the sisters and then we could finish the project that took us the entire winter. Poor thing, he really thought that a few months would repair all that damage and everyone would be perfectly fine to continue sorting through my grandma's things. I wonder if he will get to the point of hopelessness that I am at and decide to finish the rest of it by himself.

When I was younger, I had this idea that my family would be the same forever, just with a few extra "kids" added in as we each got married. I honestly thought that our relationships would always be pretty steady, that we would all live close enough to remain friends and that our ties would always be as close knit as they once were. I guess I was naive or overly optimistic or something because I know very few families that are like that these days. Why did I think my family could beat the odds? Call it the innocence of youth if you will, but somehow I never doubted that our relationships would always be great. I feel so jaded now, families don't stay together, friends don't stay together, marriages don't stay together. Do people really go on with their lives with no loving relationships to buoy them up? What a lonely and depressing life to live, completely alone with only superficial relationships from forced situations to rely upon. What is there left to believe in if all relationships end?

The knight in shining armor express

Have you ever had someone that was trying so hard to protect you from something painful that they were willing to absorb that pain themselves so you didn't have to experience it? They are willing to step in, take care of you, and shield you from something by taking it on themselves, all because they care about you, even when you have done nothing but deserve that suffering.

I am totally amazed that the boy would do that for me. He offered to step in and talk to my family for me and protect me from a stressful situation, all the while knowing that he would be the one to absorb the impact and would not come off without pain himself. Who does that?

Thinking about it this morning has only intensified how grateful I am for him and the way he takes care of me. I am finding it hard to wrap my mind around it, bewildered that anyone would want to do something like that for me.

Madness

I am so drained this morning. I feel like I am just going through the motions of life today, forcing myself to do normal things, hoping that I can function and make it through today. The weekend was a bit of an emotional train wreck all the way through, and I didn't sleep very much last night so I am just running on fumes this morning.

Through all the craziness of the weekend, I do think that the boy was pretty awesome. He handled my emotional girl moments very nicely and didn't take off like most guys would if they encountered a woman in the state I was in, even though I kept expecting him to. I continue to be completely surprised by his calm and steady reactions to everything that is thrown at him. I think I am wearing him out with all my insanity though.

I think I let down my guard a little too much this weekend, and that was why everything went all sorts of crazy. When I realized that last night I felt those walls come right back up to shield myself again. So much for revealing my vulnerabilities, right? I hate to say it, but I think things are right back where they were before, and he will be asking me why I am hiding my weaknesses again in a few days. Two steps forward, one step back...

Portland

This is a picture of Portland from last July when I was back there visiting. This is taken from the west side of the river, at the top of the tram. I love this picture because you can see some of the bridges over the river and it is framed by beautiful green trees.

Memoir of a misty Portland morning

It is a misty gray morning here, with a dark cloudy sky where the sunshine barely streams through the thick clouds. It makes me miss Portland, where the constant drizzle eventually fades into the background of your consciousness and you barely notice your damp face and the wet blades of grass that stick to your shoes as you cross the lawn. Some days it would rain every day for a week and just when you start thinking you will never see the sun again, there would be a break in the clouds, and a shaft of sunlight would peak through. I think it rained the entire winter when I lived there. They say that if you can survive the first three rainy winters then you have acclimated and can continue living there with no problem. I decided after two months of straight rain that I could never go that long without sunshine again. The air would be so thick with moisture that it was hard for me to breathe at first, I felt so suffocated. The wet cold air would soak its way through any layers you had attempted to block it with, and send a chill through to your bones. I felt as though I would never get warm again, even into March and April I was still freezing. The smell of rain was a constant companion, and even now I can't help but think of Portland when it rains here. Each morning as I walked to work, I would splash through the puddles as if they didn't even exist, through the mud of the abandoned lot, across the road, past the bus station, through parking lots, and under the bridge before arriving at my destination, hot and cold at the same time, and always wet.

"Pet Peeves"

I put the title of this in quotes because what really irritates me is when people complain about their pet peeves as a way to demand that you do/change something. Why should I have to change the way I do something just because it irritates you? How 'bout you change it yourself?

Like, for instance, if someone sends you a stupid email about toilet paper, saying that it is their pet peeve when someone doesn't change the roll. There are two rolls of toilet paper on the dispenser, and one is full, but the other is empty, and she expects me to change it. Hell no, I am not going to change it. If it bothers her that much, she should get up and change it herself. If there is a perfectly good roll right there on the other side of the dispenser I am going to leave it just as it is.

Why should we have to conform to everyones "pet peeves"? I am not talking about relationships and the adjustments you make in that, I am specifically referring to people that you have no relationship with who you have to interact with. I am also not talking about common courtesy things, but tiny, incidental, ridiculous requests to pacify someone who has always had all of their demands acquiesced to. Wouldn't it be easier for her to cater to her own needs and get over herself? I think so!

So I am standing up and saying, "NO. No I will not cater to your every request just because we happen to work in the same office. No I will not change my habits simply because you say you want me to. NO." I have things that irritate me too, but it isn't like I can say "My pet peeve is when you open your mouth and talk. So you should really stop talking. Forever."

I really should say that... It would be funny... well, at least to me... *chuckle*

Unconditional love

Is there such a thing as unconditional love? What does that even mean? Conditions are not the same as boundaries, right? Can we still have boundaries without putting conditions on people? What about expectations? Do we have expectations that someone has to meet in order for us to love them? Does that mean we don't have a right to expect certain things from the people we love? I honestly don't understand this concept. Everyone I know has some sort of expectations or boundaries or restrictions or limitations even with people they love, even if they claim their love is unconditional.


The love for family is supposedly unconditional. But if that is so, why would parents disown their children when they are not living up to expectations? And for that matter, if love between a husband and wife is unconditional, why do so many couples get divorced over matters like finances and adultery? Aren't those both examples of conditional love? "I will love you as long as you do the following things and follow the following rules." Wow, I am sure every little girl dreams of that kind of love, right?

So if no love is actually unconditional, what do people mean when they say they love someone unconditionally? Is it just an exaggerated term meaning that they love someone very much? Does it mean looking past their faults and loving them anyways? If that is the case, then do we each have an internal list of what is appropriate behavior to look past and what is inappropriate behavior that we cannot get past?

There is only one type of love that is actually unconditional in my book, and that is the love of God. Other than that, we are human and selfish and will remove our love if we feel the recipient is not deserving of it. We feel betrayed by someone and to protect ourselves we stop loving them, right? Or do we just convince ourselves that we stop loving them? Do we disown our children but keep on loving them in private silence, wondering if they will ever live up to our expectations so that we can sweep in and bestow them with that love again? Do we divorce our spouse and tell ourselves every day that we are better off without them, all the while keeping a tiny part of our love hidden away, like a discarded sweater in the back of a closet, only to come tripping across it when we are looking in the past? Does that love fade and change over the years but never disappear?

I guess if it never disappears completely, then it must be unconditional after all. We may hide it when we are hurt and take it away when we are disappointed, but if it remains, even hidden, then that is something, right? Maybe instead of being conditional or unconditional, we could label love based upon it's length. It could be temporary love, short term love, long term love, and eternal love. *laugh* It doesn't quite have the same ring as unconditional, does it?

So why am I having this pseudo psychological discussion with myself on this post? I guess it has been on my mind a lot lately. So many people I know are having marital problem or getting divorced. It makes me question the basic fundamentals of marriage, commitment, and love to see so many ending something that is supposed to be so great. I see families that are so engrossed in their opposing viewpoints that they forget to love each other at all, consumed by their arguments and bitter feelings. Pain and suffering, all in the name of love, right? So much for that fairy tale ending I was looking for...