The Cheshire Cat

“You may have noticed that I'm not all there myself.”


Today marks another day in the continuing saga of my recovery from my recent surgical intervention. I haven’t mentioned it before but the surgery I had was for an ectopic pregnancy that had ruptured my fallopian tube.

Wow. I really wasn’t sure I was ever going to admit that on this blog. I figured I had better just keep things to myself and hope no one minded the slightly cryptic style of my posts lately. But I have felt very stifled with holding it in. What is the point in documenting one’s life through blogging when one has to keep the most emotional parts hidden?

I am still trying to deal with the emotional aspects of the whole thing, as it has impacted my life in so many ways. And although I am nervous about putting all of that out on paper {screen} I am confident that anyone who would put up with the constant stream of prattle on this blog, could probably be counted on to be a supportive friend.

I was writing some of my emotional goals down today that I plan on focusing on for the next two or three months. And it has been really hard to figure them out. Because not only do you have to determine where you are and where you want to be, you also have to figure out how to get there and how to measure when you have gotten there. I feel like Alice in Wonderland, asking for help from the Cheshire cat when I don’t really know where I want to go.

Alice: I was just wondering if you could help me find my way.

Cheshire Cat: Well that depends on where you want to get to.

Alice: Oh, it really doesn't matter, as long as...

Cheshire Cat: Then it really doesn't matter which way you go.


{I read an online analysis today about Alice in Wonderland.}

So here we are again. When we made the decision to go “down the rabbit hole” and start trying to have a baby, things were new and different and very confusing. And the last couple of months we went through our own personal version of the shrinking/growing scene where things are just not quite right for us to move on through the door to Wonderland.

In just over two weeks we will reach the one year mark. And while I know that is not a very long time at all, it saddens me just a bit to know that we are there, we are out of the newlywed stage and on to the ‘why don’t they have children yet’ stage.

In every trial there is a blessing though, right? And the blessings I can acknowledge from this experience? Empathy and gratitude.

Empathy for the millions of people who experience infertility. Empathy for the pain and longing that I now understand in a very real way. And even if I got pregnant tomorrow, I would still hold onto that empathy and understanding when someone I love is going through it. Because no amount of pep talks or encouraging words fixes that kind of pain.

And also, gratitude. Gratitude for my future children. What an amazing gift to be able to care for them, teach them and see them grow. And all that work we put into bringing them into the world just makes us so much more grateful for them. Because even when they are driving you crazy, you still love them more than anything else in the world.

Cheshire Cat: We’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad.

Alice: How do you know I’m mad?

Cheshire Cat: You must be…or you wouldn’t have come here.


So here we are again, on the cusp of the adventure in Wonderland...