Dear Single Celled Organism (AKA the old woman)

I understand that life is hard for you, SCO. As the oldest person in this office, you must feel the buzz of youth around you like a ghostly whisper from the past as you attempt to navigate the treacherous shores of computers, new software, telephones and the like. That being said however, I believe that a few things should be clarified about the land of the office space.
1. Yelling is not necessary. We can hear you just fine, and so can the caller on the other end of the phone line. You are not using a tin can and string anymore SCO, you have technology on your side now! It is not necessary to use other ancient communication devices either such as, vigorous hand gestures (not those kinds of gestures, dippy!), Morse code desk knocking, or smoke signals. Please attempt to keep your conversation below fog horn level and the rest of us will be much happier with what is left of our hearing.
2. Your computer does not hate you. It does not choose a day to “get back at you” and quits working just to make you suffer. You simply have not remembered all the crucial steps that it requires as a non emotional piece of equipment. Remember, the screen will be black if you have forgotten to turn it on, not because it doesn’t like you that day. Additionally, knocking on the screen will not magically fix it, so please avoid doing that again.
3. It would help us all out SCO if you would please refrain from telling all of us that we are going to be condemned to hell if we don’t “accept Jesus as your personal savior” and go to church. We would also be quite obliged if you would stop telling us that you are old enough to be our mother.
4. Please, SCO please please please do us the grand and generous favor of not attempting to be involved in our youthful conversations that will only confuse you. When we are talking about Chris Brown and Rhianna, please don’t ask if she is a friend of ours, it only serves to magnify the age gap between you and the rest of the office. We feel bad for laughing at you, but really? What else could we do?

Finally, SCO, thank you for plugging away at your job every day without complaining about the “drama of youth” and “those kids” that you are forced to work with. I know that we drive you crazy, and I am so glad that you choose to keep your thoughts to yourself when it comes to your passel of coworkers who are all at least 20 years younger than you (including the boss) instead of whining about how every person in the office dislikes you. Thank you for not pointing out the things that bother you, much like I always do about you.

Sincerely,
Your supervisor
Randy