IF I did Twitter {which I don't}

Tweet: Why don't they make drive up windows that work the opposite way? I want a microphone at my office where I can announce into it what I want and have every food place in the vicinity deliver to my window. I officially patent that idea right here and now!

Tweet: I have a love/hate relationship with cantaloupe. I love it when you first cut it open and it is juiciness personified. I hate it when it has been in the refrigerator for a day and it doesn't dribble down my chin. Did I really just say that? Yes. I like the dribble down the chin. Must be why I am so drawn to six month old bald men.

Tweet: Would it be strange if I got a statue of a child and put it on my coffee table? Because I am sure that my "obsessed with other peoples children" phase would, well, phase out faster if I had one of my own to stare at day to day. Although it may be a bit counterproductive because if a woman with children saw my creepy table statue, they might remove their children from my presence thinking I am some kind of weirdo.

Tweet: CampFishBoating weekend was a great success! I rode the deathtrap motorcycle with Scotland and I do believe I am still scraping the bugs from my neck. Ew! That is reason enough to wear a helmet even without all those silly head injury precautions!

Tweet: I wonder if there is some poor, desperate soul out there that I could pay to hold a garage sale for me. I vehemently despise hosting garage sales, which is probably why I am being slowly inched out of my house by the {stuff} that consumes it. Can I pay you to do it for me? Would ten dollars work?